Dear friends,
For ages now, my loved ones have been urging me to break my 20 year streak and schedule myself a physical, but I don’t see the point. Given my poor eating habits, history of drug use and fondness for the taste of battery acid, I already know I am not long for this word. Rather than waste the precious little time I have left in a waiting room, I have decided instead to make a list of things I want to do before my undoubtedly premature death. Without any further ado, I give you my bucket list.
1. Find Love: I’ve never found love in my life before and it’s partly because, deep down, I’ve never really felt like I deserve it. This is mostly because I’m actually a terrible, vindictive person, and it is because I am such a sadistic person that I’ve decided if I’m going to have to deal with the tragedy of my own mortality, I’m taking someone else down with me. I’m going to assume the identity of Miguel Goodlay, wealthy super-spy by day, sweet talking, pastry chef by night. As Miguel, I will seduce a lonely dowager that I meet in a bar. I will sweep her off her feet and after three dates I will propose. I will teach her that the world is a beautiful place, and she will love me. On the night of the wedding, I will ingest the groom on the top of the cake, which I will have secretly laced with cyanide during the best man speech. I will slip away into a painless death, and my unsuspecting wife will be left spending her life feeling my pain.
2. Help Children in Need: There are so many children out there who are orphaned and hungry, and before I leave this world I want to do my part help the problem. I briefly contemplated donating my money to these kids to buy them food and shelter, but then I decided that’s not enough. There’s an old saying: Give a man to fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll eat for the rest of his life. With this in mind, I have decided to devote my time to teaching kids how to not only survive, but actually thrive against diversity. Ihave devoted the past few months to collecting any orphan I could find, and organizing them into a ragtag group of cockney pickpockets. I intend to teach them in the ways of the street I myself learned from repeat readings of the book Oliver Twist. When I’m done with them, they will be able to sustain themselves thanks to the timeless lessons that book imparts. Lessons such as: How to steal a pocket watch without getting caught, how to use gin as an anesthetic, and, of course, how to properly fear jews. I will also teach them some choreographed, musical numbers and make them preform for me, because that’s just adorable. Also for good measure, I’ll probably teach them how to fish...
3. Get My Dream Job: See #2
4. Find God: I’ve never been a religious man, though I have often watched with jealousy as other find strength in God. In truth, I have not made up my mind on whether or not He even exists yet, but if He does exist, that means one thing for sure: He’s to blame for my death. As such, I have hence forth devoted my life to tracking down and destroying God. I’ve been tracking chatter for months now, and in doing so, I have narrowed his location to one of two places: He’s either hiding in the heart of a child, or in the mountains outside of Pakistan. I have ordered a tactical airstrike against both locations set for sometime in the near future. We’ll get this sadistic Bastard yet. (I’m supposed to capitalize “Bastard” when I’m talking about God, right?)
5. Become Friends with Morgan Freeman: This one is probably cheating because clearly I stole it from that move. You know...The Shawshank Redemption... Stolen or not though, it still makes my list because, let’s face it, Mr. Freeman is pure class. I want our friendship to play out in much the same way as the movie. Mainly, I want it to happen in prison. This will not only assure that me and MoFree have the strongest possible bond, but also let me play out all my prison fantasies that would have otherwise made up the bulk of my bucket list.
6. Swim with a Dolphin: I don’t have much to say about this. It just looks like fun.
7. Become Immortal: This one just seems like a no brainer. If I learned anything from making this list it’s this: I don’t want to fucking die. As such, I’ve decided to transform myself into some sort of eternal, super-being, untethered by the laws of nature. I’m not really sure how I’m gonna this yet, and since I only have a short time left, I’m gonna go figure it out....Toodles
