4 DIY Life Hacks to Deal With Roommates Driving You Crazy
1. The Problem: The Music Lover Roommate
Being forced to listen to loud, annoying music is a certifiable form of torture. Unfortunately, because of the Music Lover Roommate, it is also a fact of life for many unlucky college students. Everyone knows the type: They think that discovering a song off some obscure music blog is tantamount to curing cancer. They say things like “I actually prefer The Kinks to The Beatles” and “Lady Gaga is this century’s Hitler.” All while giving you a look so condescending, it’s enough to make you pee your pants full of ice-cold blood. But the worst part is, it’s not enough for them to just listen to an obscure band composed of nothing but a banjo player, a hype man, and a ventriloquist dummy. They have to listen to their aural swill constantly, without headphones, at volumes not suitable for human eardrums.
The Solution
To get a little silence back in your life, remember: Fight fire with fire. Also remember that, though arson is highly effective, it is also likely to get you expelled, and I was actually speaking metaphorically just then. For this easy DIY, all you need is a few blank CDs and a pencil. When your roommate is asleep, simply sneak over to their laptop and burn yourself a copy of whatever piece-of-shit du jour they’ve been subjecting you to. The next day, beat your roommate home, and greet them with their own stupid music blasting from your speakers. The sight of someone else enjoying what they thought was their own little secret will instantly turn them off from ever listening to that band again. The pencil is for you to bite down on during this self-inflicted torture. Repeat this process every time your roommate discovers a new avant-garde piece of shit. Eventually, your roommate will come to realize that maybe they aren’t the unique trendsetter they thought they were, and they’ll begin shifting their focus from music to their art. They’re gonna use their own blood instead of paint, because they don’t play by your rules, man.
2.The Problem: The Party Animal Roommate
Don’t get me wrong: partying is an important part of college. However, for some people, partying is the only part of college, and those unlucky enough to live with the aforementioned party people are in for whatever the opposite of a treat is. Just imagine it: You come home from classes, looking to get a little work done on a Tuesday afternoon, and there’s your roommate drinking a beer that some guy named Jonesy, in a backwards cap and mesh tank top, is pouring down what looks like a cross between a Rube Goldberg device and a funnel. You try to study through the sound of their unnecessary chanting and frequent high fives, but it’s just no use.
The Solution
The Party Animal Roommate is not unlike the common Labrador Retriever. While this has its downsides, such as smells, noises, and the occasional leg humping, it does mean one thing: they are easily trained. For this hack, you will need a car battery, some copper wire, and a 30 pack. Attach the copper wire to the end of the car battery to create a rudimentary taser. Bring your device and the 30 pack to your roommate and dare them to play this new drinking game you’ve heard is all the rage down at the Sigma Pi house. Tell them it’s called “Sip and Zap” and that it consists of shocking one’s own genitals every time you take a drink. Because dares, drinking games, and anything involving their own genitals are like catnip to the Party Animal, they will accept your challenge. When they do, sit back and watch as they shock themselves into a passable human being. By the time the 30 pack is gone, 20 minutes later, your roommate will have forced upon themselves a Pavlovian revulsion to beer. They’ll lose their one joy in life, and you’ll be free to once again work in your room in peace.
3. The Problem: The Messy Roommate
This is probably the most common annoyance that comes with having a roommate: All you want to do is relax in a nice, clean dorm room that doesn't smell like a combination of rotting Lunchables and stale beer, but unfortunately for you, you're living with a slob. You've asked your roommate many times "Hey, how about instead of throwing those skid-marked, tighty-whities onto my side of the room, maybe you put them in a hamper?" and they, in turn, have responded by telling you that they don't own a hamper and have no intention of buying one.
The Solution
So how do you deal with someone who is dirty as a pig and stubborn as a mule? By showing them the error of their ways with this easy, DIY life hack. All you need is some string, a box, a stick, and a little bit of cheese. Combine these four items into a rudimentary trap and bring them down to your dormitory’s basement. Hunker yourself down there until eventually a rat comes in search of a snack. Pull the string, trap the rat, and bring it back up to the cesspool you call your room. Hide your new pet in your closet for a day without food, only checking in on it occasionally to poke it with a stick. (No need to get a new stick; just use the one from your trap!) Once your rat is nice and ornery, wait for your roommate to fall asleep, then release your furry friend, and wait for him to inevitably bite your slumbering suite-mate. When and if your roommate survives the Ebola, you will find that they have developed a new, cleanlier lifestyle. Cleanliness is next to godliness after all, and how does God get his points across? With a plague.
4. The Problem: The Naked Roommate
We’ve all been there. You get home from a long day of class, only to be greeted by the sight of your roommates weird, shapeless genitals flapping in the breezes of your oscillating fan. For whatever reason, your housing department-assigned friend never developed the healthy dose of Puritan repression that drives most of our lives. You wince, avert your eyes, and, eventually, choke back your vomit, but for some reason your roommate won’t take the hint and put their snake (or in the case of a female, their clam) back in its cage.
The Solution
One day, NASA will find a way to successfully bottle shame, but until that day comes, you can produce it yourself with this easy DIY. All you need for this trick is a pen, a safety pin, and some sort of powerful anesthetic. I recommend ether or chloroform, but any noxious poison you can get your hands on will do. (What about the cafeteria beef stew, amiright?) Once you have your chemicals, dab some onto a rag and force your roommate to inhale the fumes. Once they’re passed out, break the pen open and collect the ink on a piece of glass or hard plastic. Take your safety pin and dip the pointy part into the ink, and begin poking whatever your little heart desires into your nudie-roomie’s skin. Be creative here, but make sure whatever you draw is going to be something your roommate will want to keep under wraps. I suggest things such as embarrassing secrets, hate speech, or a list of all the transmittable diseases they have. All you book lovers out there may want to take a cue from The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and write: “I’m a rapist pig” across their chest. Follow your heart and have fun with it. Just make sure you’re satisfied with it before putting safety pin to passed out nudist; this is permanent after all. When you’re done, just set it and forget it. Your roommate will be so embarrassed by his new body art, don’t be surprised if they start wearing two pairs of sweatpants and a turtleneck just to hide from the world. Problem solved.
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