My First Rap Feud, Chapter 1: Drawing First Blood

         I have to admit that I’m a bit disappointed. I’ve been at this blog thing for three days now, and I’m still not a household name. I’ve been racking my brain on how to rectify the situation, but the most of the solutions I came up with were very expensive and highly treasonous. However, there was one idea I came up with that is cheap, easy, and sure to make me  more famous than Jesus and that other guy people worship combined: Rap feud. 

Think about it, every time there is a new rap feud, the world becomes captivated by it. Tupac vs. Biggie. Jay Z vs. Nas. Nicki Minaj vs. The voices inside her head. Macklemore vs. Music that isn’t terrible. All of these battles have granted all parties involved more fans, more money, and, by the transitive property of hip hop, mo’ problems. This plan is fool proof. 

For my beef to work, I’m gonna have to go big or go home. That’s why I’m aiming  for the top. Granted, I haven’t followed rap that closely since about 2001, but I’m assuming not a lot has changed in 12 years. As such, I’m assuming that Nelly is still the king of the hip-hop charts, and that’s who I’m going to take down. 

Unfortunately, I’m completely devoid of any musical ability, so instead of creating  my own phat beats I’m going to have to borrow from the public domain. Also, I’m unable to keep rhythm and my voice is really unpleasant to most ears, so instead of performing my diss track, I’m just going to write down the lyrics. Hopefully this won’t matter, though. It’s not like not having talent has ever kept people from achieving fame through rap. I mean, look at Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes....Yeah, I know she’s dead...

 

If you wanna help me out in my quest for ubiquity, please just press play on the video below, read these lyrics aloud with an accent that’s probably offensive to black people, and help me give Nelly the tongue lashing of his life. 

The Beat

The Rhymes 

St. Luna-DICK (Fuck You, Nelly!) 

I hate you Nelly! / 

Or should I call you Smelly? /

Or maybe Belly, / 

Because you're fat! / 

Also, you're kind of a rat. / 

St. Louis? / 

More like St. BOO-is! / 

Yeah, I know where you live / 

and I'm going to come at you with a shiv /

For legal reason I want to say that's not a real threat, / 

Because I don't want you to sue me and send me into debt. 

Fuck You Nelly

[Repeat: x10]

No I don't wanna take a ride with you. 

(Then if I was performing this, this is where I would drop the mike.)

Willie out.