With the economy the way it is, we can all use a little extra cash in our pockets. That’s why I have complied a list of five fun and easy ways for you to get the money you want without having to do a whole lot of extra work.
1) Recycle: Every can or bottle you drink is worth five cents. (Ten cents if you're from Michigan, which I sincerely hope nobody reading this is.) Every time you throw away one of those suckers you're basically just throwing away money, so recycle. It's good for the Earth and your wallet. Don't think you're above it just because homeless people do it.
2) Save your coins: This one may seem pretty obvious, but you have no idea how much people lose every year in loose change alone. My advice, do what I do: Let your inner child out and splurge on a piggy bank. Name it Sir Ham-A-Lot, develop a closer relationship with it than you should have with an inanimate object, tell him all your secrets and then, once it's full, smash it with a hammer. When you stop crying, you'll be amazed by how much you saved.
3) Don't tip: The truth of the matter is tipping is not required. The only reason we all do it is because it's considered moral, but as we all know there is no place for morality in finances. Rather than pissing away cash on someone who did nothing but manual labor, save that 15 percent and put it straight in the bank. If you wanna have a little extra fun, on the line that says "Tip" write something along the lines of "Get a real job" or something. Not only is it HILARIOUS, it will also motivate them to pursue a higher paying career.
4) Sell Drugs: People may not realize it, but there is a lot of people out there willing to spend a lot of money on cocaine. Capitalize on this untapped market, by getting in the game yourself. As any advertiser will tell you, children will buy just about anything so I recommend setting up shop at a school or playground. The true genius of this plan is you will definitely have repeat buyers, so you just need to sit back, make the occasional call to your supplier, and watch the money roll in. For those of you who don't feel comfortable selling illegal substances, don't worry. I have a solution for you: Replace the coke with totally legal carpet cleaner. It's near impossible for a normal person to tell the difference, so there's no way a stupid coke-whore would be able to. Plus, the sheer toxicity of it means you won't have to deal with unhappy customers later.
5) Scam a Widow Out of Her Inheritance: Old people are cash cows. Their old age mean's they've been saving money for a while, and their proximity to death means they're too decripit to spend any of it. To get yourself a piece of that old-person savings pie, just take yourself to the nearest retirement home. Search for a sad looking woman displaying signs of memory loss. If they have Alzheimer's that would be ideal, but any sort of neurological disorder will do. Tell the woman you are their deceased husband Edgar (His name will be Edgar, all dead husbands are) and begin sitting with her on a daily basis. To combat the general sadness that comes with dealing with old people, dip into some of the cocaine you're selling. It will make you happier, and help with the smell as well. When you have gained enough of the old woman's trust, have her sign a form naming you her sole heir. Thanks to our good friend mother nature, it won't be long until it's goodbye old widow, and goodbye budget. Ka-Ching!!!
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